Christmas is here

Wanted a stereo for my car and i didn't get one!

But hey, that's just fine (:

Started my period :/ BOOO

haha. got a new camera.

It is pretty nice.

you can even see the hair in your nose!

gross, i know, but it happens.

not ready for all this food. and i will not eat dessert.

no, sir, not for me.

Happy Holidays

This is how I feel.

I'm home for the holidays, and all I do is stuff my face.

Christmas is only three days away, and I feel awful.

I wish I could look in the mirror everyday without wanting to cry.

I want to scratch and claw away my frustration, but I know it won't change a thing.

I wish my parents could see what I go through.

Hell, I wish anyone could see what I put myself through.

I just want people to look at me, and see beauty.

What I ate last night

 

You know that feeling...

where you know EXACTLY what you are doing,

yet you can't stop?

A voice is shouting in your head;

An endless battle with yourself.

"NOOOO!!! STOP! WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO TO YOURSELF?!"

"i'm just eating a little, i promise, i will stop...i will stop after 1,3,6,7,8,10 more bites."

"NOOOO!! DAMMIT STOP IT RIGHT NOW, YOU ARE RUINING YOUR PROGRESS!!"

"i dont care, i am HUNGRY so BACK OFF!!!!!!"

and then after that little episode when your little belly is full, you crawl into bed and visit that place in your head.

But the damage is done and you are all alone.

Time Goes By So Slowly

All this fat stays glued to my bones.

I want rip my bones out and lay them on top of my skin for the world to see.

I want people to whisper behind my back and talk about how thin I have gotten.

But no one will. 

I feel like no matter what I do

and no matter how hard I try,

Nothing will ever be good enough.

"Wants to look like a star, but she takes it too far, she's never good enough. Wants to be Mary-Kate, perfect weight, 88, she's never good enough."

I'm the kind of girl that...

laughs when she wants to cry. stays quiet when she wants to shout. cries at night when she is alone. fakes confidence. tells people what will make them feel better. has hidden panic attacks at grocery stores. fakes her smiles and love for food. 

I may not be perfect, but I strive for happiness. 

I drink tea and eat pickles at night because everything else is scary.

I eat in front of people even though I don't want to.

I'm good at hiding my problem, but emotions are hard to hide.

I am going on and on about nonsense, but comments are always nice.

(: 

feel free to comment? it's getting lonely talking to myself

now for some random pictures.

Boo.

(:

made popcorn and started eating it and then i realized i wanted something else.

proud to know i went to the dining hall and ate a bowl of jello 

(which im not sure if its sugar free or not),

 a plate of salad with some kind of dressing,

 and a thing of yogurt.

i swear i would have eaten more yogurt but they pre-serve the yogurt and cottage cheese...and its seriously like 5 bites.

im not sure how many calories i have had today, but i don't think i want to count

hopefully going to the gym today.

How the Grinch Stole Christmas is going to be on ABC family tonight at 8!

i am excited, its like my favorite movie!

and my VHS is messing up, so i cant watch it anymore

)': sad day

lol actually its a pretty good day.

(:

its really stress free besides the food.

tomorrow my roomie's "mom" is coming to stay and she will be getting us food D:

i dont know how i feel about this...

Throat hurts.

Think I am coming down with something.
That, or it is because I sleep with the window open!
Whatevsss.

Went to the rec yesterday and played around with a soccer ball for an hour.
Got my heartrate up from time to time
woot!
yeah but then I went to dinner and I so do not want to talk about that.

Yeah that's all!

Drunken Monkey

Got my ass wasted last night.

Hungover as FUCK..

Fought with a girl and I got pushed down the stairs...

girl better not mess with me when I am sober.

That is all I have to say about that.

Roomie wants to eat, but all I want to do is sleep.

And smoke a ciggy.

That is some good shit.

lol

had around 200 cals yesterday, not counting alcohol.

=] today MIGHT be an okay day....

as long as I go to sleep soon.

Period.

Periods suck.

It's true, and we all know it.

whatever.

So, I've been doing this new thing:

When I have to eat something I take 2 bites, then 1 bite, then 3 bites and I am done.

You see...I have a thing with the number 213.

Seriously, I see that number everywhere.

When I was younger, 213 was my lunch PIN and I use that number for e-mails and passwords.

One time, I was watching a music video and there that fucking number was!

WTF mate?

Mom said I should play the lottery with it.

Meh. I think it is my death omen :o

Here is my intake:

Some raw broccoli : 10

Jalapenos : 10

Pickles : 5

Crust of dry wheat toast : ~30

Salad with a tiny bit of Asian dressing : ~30

2-1-3 turkey on wheat tortilla : ~45

2-1-3 corn flakes : ~30

Now, feel free to correct me (:

~160

Better than 213 =]

aha.

Peace <3

Lovely.

Relapse.

Not sure I was ever getting better.

It's easier to give up and say, "Fuck it."