Just, Wow.

I would like to just say something: wow.
I fell off the map a long while ago, but I am here.
I have forgotten all about this site, as I do not post on any site besides Tumblr.
I am not fully recovered, but I am.
I am the happiest that I have ever been.
I am a career professional and I support myself.
I live in a one bedroom apartment with my cat and still enjoy drinking tea.
I am at a solid 150 pounds, but you would not be able to tell.
I work on my feet and I heal bodies with my hands.
I am strong as hell and do not feel that guilty eating an entire pizza.
I am independent, strong willed, and happy.
Happy because I am able to take care of myself and happy because my body is strong.
Wow is the only word I can think of when I read my previous posts.
I don't know who that girl was, but I do.
I remember how I used to feel. 
I remember what it was like to hurt myself and cry in front of the mirror just because I would despise what stared back. 
A girl with water in her eyes and nails that would break.
Someone who would sneak around at 1 or 2 am to eat the rest of the pie in the fridge.
I remember that girl and I am strong because of it.

Starving yourself does not make you strong, it makes you naive. 
I will never be 100% recovered. 
My size will be a forever thing that I am conscious of.

Wow.
I know what it's like to want to strip and boil your skin. To take scissors and cut the fat off. Your body is not what makes you unhappy. There is always an underlying cause of it all. You have to look at life and realize everyone has their demons. Days turn into a haze and after awhile you will find your happiness. 
Eat.
Love yourself.
Be strong because you can stand up tall.
Be strong because one day you will look back, like I have, and say wow.

New Year

(: This is the year to find myself!
There is a little girl
a little dancer
a little
me.
Inside myself, I am stuck.
But I will run, bleed, sweat, cry, scream to free myself from this shell.

Christmas is here

Wanted a stereo for my car and i didn't get one!

But hey, that's just fine (:

Started my period :/ BOOO

haha. got a new camera.

It is pretty nice.

you can even see the hair in your nose!

gross, i know, but it happens.

not ready for all this food. and i will not eat dessert.

no, sir, not for me.

Happy Holidays

This is how I feel.

I'm home for the holidays, and all I do is stuff my face.

Christmas is only three days away, and I feel awful.

I wish I could look in the mirror everyday without wanting to cry.

I want to scratch and claw away my frustration, but I know it won't change a thing.

I wish my parents could see what I go through.

Hell, I wish anyone could see what I put myself through.

I just want people to look at me, and see beauty.

What I ate last night

 

You know that feeling...

where you know EXACTLY what you are doing,

yet you can't stop?

A voice is shouting in your head;

An endless battle with yourself.

"NOOOO!!! STOP! WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO TO YOURSELF?!"

"i'm just eating a little, i promise, i will stop...i will stop after 1,3,6,7,8,10 more bites."

"NOOOO!! DAMMIT STOP IT RIGHT NOW, YOU ARE RUINING YOUR PROGRESS!!"

"i dont care, i am HUNGRY so BACK OFF!!!!!!"

and then after that little episode when your little belly is full, you crawl into bed and visit that place in your head.

But the damage is done and you are all alone.